Updated: Jan 24, 2021
Put your hand way up if you've ever been terrorized by some of the prescription drug ads on TV? You know that moment. A commercial pops up on your favorite channel, promises you a cure for your constipation issues, and, then lists a whole encyclopedia's worth of side effects including some that could leave you a complete vegetable.
Ever noticed how the benefits of the drug are always stated slowly and clearly but when its time to enumerate the side effects, its as if they hired an auctioneer to motor his way through these dire warnings?
The ones that absolutely blow my top are the commercials of meds that treat harmless, day-to-day conditions but for which the side effects can include “hemorrhaging, possible heart attack or kidney failure". Dealing with cluster headaches? Here take this prescription medicine but it may just paralyze you or your limbs could go numb, perhaps even fall off
Suffering from insomnia? This drug may help but you'll wake up feeling groggy, zombie-like, and plain old dumbed down the next day. A real live Solomon Grundy heading to work now that should be a hoot. It may cause severe dizzy spells too so while you may feel more rested the next day, you'll be a real hazard on the roads, endangering fellow drivers. Way to go champ!
Got xerostomia (dry mouth)? Try this magic pill, it's a real winner. but be warned, you may experience severe swelling and significant permanent bloating leaving you looking like Fat Bastard. But hey, you'll have a more humid mouth which might come in helpful if you are competing in the World Saliva Spitting Competition (fact: Vasant Patil holds the World Record for this prestigious category, having spat his saliva a distance of 7.2 feet. Bravo, well done, Mister Patil. How are you at pea-shooting?)
And then there's my absolute favorite. Prescription drugs for those "experiencing" constipation (which sounds like quite the experience just like a fantastic trip to a foreign country, or trying mushrooms for the first time-oops). The side effects here are just too brutal to mention. So why not save yourself some money (and pain) and plant yourself a prune tree!