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She taught me how to walk this way....

Updated: Aug 31, 2023

No, no she didn't. This is on YOU and YOU only. And frankly, there is only one way to resolve this matter: hand you a 500$ ticket.....for.... walking improperly.

Now, I'm not suggesting we should fine a senior for walking too slowly, a mother for stopping every few seconds as she pushes her baby in a stroller, or toss a blind man in jail for cutting his lane.

I'm referring to the rest of you, yes myself included; essentially everyone but the group above (ok add in tourists too if you wish). You walk this or that way, and, well, you should expect to get docked with a hefty ticket violation.

So you might be thinking, what on earth is this clown talking about? Surely he must be smoking some pretty potent ganja (and if so, how can I get my hands on this magic lettuce). Well, I just feel it's high time we address a major societal issue: I am referring to people who pose a threat to us all because they simply do not have proper walking etiquette, those out there who have no clue about the dos and don'ts of walking.

Walking is not a right (say like free drinking water), it is a privilege. It should, in fact, be treated the same way as driving. Imagine if drivers went through the same sort of training as those learning how to walk (which means virtually no training at all). In order to get your permit, all you'd be expected to do is jump in a car, drive around for a few minutes, and, voila, here's your license to kill.

You see, aside from the basic training we receive as toddlers from our parents in showing us how to walk a few steps, we receive little else in the way of training. None of us attend walking schools, and there are no exams or refresher courses we need to follow throughout our lives. And this, my friends, is simply unacceptable if we wish to eradicate negligent walking from our streets and indoor spaces.

The problem has become amplified because this generation is simply incapable of walking (or even just functioning) without a smartphone in their hands. I mean, are we seriously considering moving to smart glasses, when so many fools out there today can barely handle walking and holding a phone in their hand at the same time? It'd be the equivalent of putting Mister Magoo behind the wheel. This is complete, utter nonsense and will result in far more collisions going forward.

Case in point. The other day, I was walking leisurely at the local mall, when I hopped on the escalator to go to the second floor. A couple of teenage girls were making their way up in front of me. When we got to the top of the stairs, they just suddenly stopped. "Oh my God" said Tweedle Dee to her Tweedle Dumb friend "did you see this TikTok video she posted?!". And boom I had nowhere to go, almost tumbling down the flight of stairs, like Humpty f'n Dumpty.

Over the years, I've had people cutting me off as I was holding a hot cup of coffee, others bump into me because they were too busy texting or looking at their phone, and, just the other day, an older dude walked right into me because he was looking around at the Christmas decorations rather than in front of him. Now can you imagine if these folks were driving a car? They'd be fined, heck potentially even arrested!

Listen, I’m not talking about the token Joe Blow who stumbles out of a bar, inebriated, unable to find his bearings, and who ends up bumping into you. These people, as far as I can tell, are sober, and this type of behavior has been happening in broad daylight.

I’ve given this a lot of thought (clearly, I have too much time on my hands) and I think the solution would be to develop a Code for Walkers. Break a rule, and immediately lose a demerit point. Break several, and you'd lose your walk. No more strolling down the street, no hanging out at the local mall or café (unless of course, someone would offer to carry you on their shoulders, or airlift you there, but to be clear they would be responsible for taking you back home afterward). Mall patrol, spotters, or local authorities would be paid to monitor you during the time you'd be out. Talk about a waste of taxpayer dollars.

Should you lose your walker's permit, before being allowed to walk again in public, you would be forced to attend basic walking classes or Walking 101, learning how to stroll (properly this time) all over again. Walkers Anonymous would also be there to guide you along and hold you accountable throughout your rehabilitation. But, be warned, another misstep, and, well, you can kiss going to school, work, or attending a social function again for a year (unless, as previously mentioned, you'd be willing to pay for a personal "carrier" to take you around, your very own "Piggybacker" or rickshaw driver).

Folks, I think you'll agree that this systemic issue has to be fixed. It's been long overdue. It's finally time we hold these irresponsible citizens accountable. There is nothing wrong with reforming these dangerous members of society now is there?

Some may claim that my proposals are far too harsh but I beg to differ. It's not like I'm advocating that these clueless, loosey-goosey walkers get flogged or shamed in a public square (although...) all I want is that we start keeping these buffoons in check.

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