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Strong with a sense of smell: the Human Saint Bernard

Updated: Jan 24, 2021

I was given a "Sixth sense" (nothing to brag about, trust me). I'm not sure how I got it, but ever since I can remember I have the ability to smell almost anything on people. In fact, I should not refer to it as a gift or an ability but more so as a curse. Let me explain.

A year ago, I was at some fancy hotel in Vancouver, about to have dinner with colleagues. The appetizers had been deposited on the table, everyone was busy munching away, except me. One of my female colleagues noticed I wasn't touching the food and asked "Paul do you not like what we ordered?". "Oh no it looks great" "So how come you're not eating". "Well its complicated" Another colleague now turned and looked at me with pity "Are you feeling ok you look a little pale"

Seemingly left with no choice but to provide an explanation I told the group "Ok listen, I know this will sound a little weird but I have a smelling problem (this was before covid if not half the table would have likely jumped off)." "A smelling problem?" asked my boss. "Yes it's really weird I can smell literally anything on anyone ...and from quite the distance." "Ok, um, so why are you not eating did one of us not take a shower or something?" "No no sorry. It's like this. This baby is coming up the escalator to the restaurant and I can already smell him. I could smell that he was, you know, going to the washroom the moment he was carried in". "But we don't see no baby". Sure enough, about 30 seconds later a mother holding a baby came up the escalator. The group burst out in laughter. Embarrassed to say the least. And this was just one of many similar moments.

How can I not call this a curse, a real predicament in my life. So strong is my sense of smell, I will walk into an airport, and be able to sniff every single chemical that has been used to disinfect the premises, heck I can even smell someone having vomitted in a cubicle hours ago. Bad breath? Check. Even from a person 30 or 40 feet away. Woof f"n woof !

So you're probably wondering : do you have a gigantic nose, with very large nostrils? Not that I can see. Are you sure you are not just imagining this? Nyet again. Could one of your ancestors have been bred with a canine? Hmm. I immediately began to ponder, perhaps someone in my family tree, had at one point, jumped the fence. I mean what other rational explanation could there be?

And so I suppose that the next time people ask hey what's up Toucan Sam, I will simply shrug my shoulders and say "Here's the truth: I'm just a good ol' Saint Bernard."

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