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A Kombucha exploded in my face

So the other day I was driving in my car and was getting awfully thirsty, so I decided to stop at a convenience store. Normally I will get a can of flavored bubbly water, perhaps on the odd day (if I've been a good boy and have gone regularly to the gym that week) I may splurge on a Dr. Pepper. But on this day I decided to continue on my good year resolution which was to consume healthier products in 2024.

And so I put my hand in the glass fridge and grabbed.....a Kombucha. Now if you have no clue what this drink is (or purports to do- look at that my vocabulary is improving) it's simple: it promises to reduce inflammation and improve your gut health (by pounding it with probiotics). Whether its claims have been 100% vetted or not remains another story for another day but that's not the point of this (meaningless) story.

So on the front label it read "flip it over to get all the good stuff", and so, like a good soldier, I followed the orders given, and drove off.

I twisted the bottle cap, and, lord behold, let's just say that nothing "good" came out. The bottle erupted like the Mont Fuji volcano and I was instantly covered in all its wonderful gooeyness. How lovely, maybe it's not meant to be ingested but bathed in? I mean why else WOULD YOU TELL SOMEONE TO FLIP IT OVER AND THEN OPEN IT UNLESS YOUR GOAL WAS TO GIVE THEM A BUBBLE BATH?!!

I grabbed the bottle and my first impulse was to throw it in the windshield. But then another part of the label caught my attention "With 5 living cultures inside". Oh I wonder what they mean exactly which cultures were living inside this magic bottle a Sikh, a Greek perhaps? A Morocan Bedouin? Was there a purple genie hiding in there too? Was this someone's attempt at a silly joke, and had a camera been secretly installed in my car, transmitting a video of my embarrassing moment ...perhaps a "moment in the sun" on Canada's Funniest Videos (does that even exist?).

As I tried to figure out a way to get rid of all the stickiness on my hands, face, steering wheel and arms, I began to ponder (this is after the screaming, and air punching session that lasted a good 6 minutes): Will we just consume anything, weird name and all, as long as it promises some sort of a health benefit? Can advertisers just stretch the truth or just about claim anything they want? Are we suckers for "exotic" products that swear to provide something we desperately seek?

White caterpillar tea made by some pigmy tribe in Papa New Guinea that promises to have massive amounts of anti oxidants that will rejuvenate us like the fountain of youth? Sure, why not, let's gobble, gobble it down. Energy drinks that promise to both lift us up on a magic carpet, after several nights of poor sleep and also turn us into sex machines? Pour me a glass. Heck, I'll have a double. Drinks infused with hemp, tree bark or some hocus-pocus miracle herbs or vitamins that claim relieve us of all our anxiety and turn our boring job into an exciting one (MJGA- Make our Job Great Again)? Oh pretty please.

Heck, at one point a box of Rice Krispies read "Now helps support your child's immunity" (the cocoa flavored one, to be clear).....all with it's dozens of grams of sugar.


My dear friends, I think it's time we stop being so gullible (McFly). It's time we stop letting these false advertisements shower us (like my Kombucha experience) with lies, lies, and more unacceptable lies. Let's put an end to years of being hoodwinked, bamboozled and taken for fools and fight back in a meaningful way.....

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