Boring conversations (someone get me out of here!)

Have you ever found yourself trapped in a never-ending, incredibly dull conversation? It's the kind of situation where you wish for something drastic to occur—a person suddenly having a seizure, the roof caving in, or perhaps even a fire or an earthquake—just to create the perfect distraction for a quick escape...

If you answered "no, not me," congratulations! You’ve just won the title of "Most Likely to Put an Entire Room to Sleep in minutes." Yes, you! The one with the special talent for turning lively conversations into a snooze-fest. You’re basically a hypnotist, but instead of making people cluck like chickens, you make them doze off like they just smoked 5 grams of hydro weed. Just remember Dracula, if you’re going to drain our energy, at least offer some snacks first...

When you think about it, there are really two kinds of boring people (or perhaps three, if you combine the two). First, there's the type who speak so incredibly slowly that it takes them ages to get to the point. It's like when all you needed to do to reach the convenience store was walk a mere 200 meters in a straight line, but instead, you decided to take an endless detour, stop to smell the roses, pet a few chihuahuas along the way, take an unnecessary break to sit on a bench, and then, just when all you had left to do was cross the street to reach the store, you picked up your phone and chatted away for another 10 minutes! Just cross the street already, you sluggish, slithering snail! (sorry, I tend to go too far)

This isn't a black and white film from the 1920s. Get to the point, make it engaging, outline it, and draw me a story. Add some excitement, some color... bring in some flair, razzle n dazzle me, don't bore me! And please, for the love of God, pick up the pace. Imagine you're a YouTube video playing at 0.25 speed, and crank it up to 1.5X speed! If you want to capture our attention, maybe even inhale some helium to make your slow-paced story (slightly) more enjoyable!

Then there's the second type of dull conversationalists: those who feel the need to endlessly discuss uninteresting topics. Hint: we only want so many details about the story. Many of us grew up in the era of Cole's Notes, meaning we prefer to get the gist quickly, skip to the important parts, and then wrap it up! Hint #2: Know your audience. If you're talking about your kids and the person you're conversing with doesn't have children, consider shortening the story. There's no need to endlessly talk about little Mary and Johnny, how amusing they are, how they excel at everything, and so on and so forth. Cut the blabber, say what you have to say, then tie a bow to it!

Looking to keep people engaged and entertained? Well then just sprinkle some gossip like it’s confetti at a parade. Seriously, gossip is the glitter of social interactions—annoying when it gets stuck everywhere, but oh-so-fun while it lasts! Personally, I have an endless craving for it, like a cat with a laser pointer. Criticizing others is like watching reality TV without the subscription fee! And let’s be real, even if the tale is exaggerated or completely fabricated, who cares? It’s not like we’re writing a biography here! So, come on, spill the large can of gooey beans. What have you done that you are ashamed of? Share it! People are always eager to listen in these situations! Confessions always draw people in. So pretend like you're in a Church pew, and confess away!

I remember a friend of a friend whom I unfortunately ended up sitting next to at a wedding a few years back. Just moments after he inquired about my profession (and of course, I had to ask about his job), he started unloading a torrent of words onto me (aka covered me with a verbal diarrhea). He went on and on about his work in cement manufacturing, explaining the entire process to me in excruciating detail.

I managed to concentrate for 15, maybe 20 minutes (precious minutes of my life gone forever). But then I started to lose focus. It felt like I was sedated on an operating table, except the anesthesia was fading, and I couldn't feel the physical pain this doctor was causing me. Stop. Stop. Please, I'll do anything. Couldn't he see I was wincing, yawning? There had to be an escape. Should I collapse from my chair and pretend to have a stroke? Roll on the floor and mimic an epileptic fit, flopping like a freshly caught sardine, maybe throw in a breakdancing move or two? Spit in his face to make him stop? Shout something like "there's a bear in the restaurant." But even then, I wasn't sure it would be enough to make him close his mouth. By the end of the night I was completely empty, like a halal cow drained of all its blood. TKO...

So I ask : why oh why don't these windbags realize that they are boring us to tears? Can't they just keep all that hot air to themselves, do they have no pity for their interlocutor (yes, I googled the word)?

I think the next time a situation like this happens to me again, I may just get up and walk out, and put a puppet in my place on the chair...."here, this person has all the time in the world for your story"