Stopping those Drippety Drips

We all have our own problems (some more than others). Pet peeves. Things that irritate us immensely, and many things that we simply cannot comprehend.

We've discovered a method to connect people globally (known as the internet). We are capable of performing heart transplants. We've sent men (and women... and dogs too, I believe, or was that on another planet) to the moon. In fact, some of today's brightest minds think we could soon conquer Mars.

But we have yet to solve one of life's biggest challenges: dripping issues.

Imagine ordering a coffee to go or using a supposedly drip-free mug for your homemade brew. As you take your first or second sip, it leaks. Suddenly, your new suit, shirt, or dress is stained. You try to clean it, but now your grey pants are half beige. Not the best way to start the day.

If you're yearning for pasta or any saucy dish while dining out, brace your self! For that seafood linguine is coming home with you. You enjoyed it so much that you'll probably end up wearing it. In the worst of cases, be prepared for a splash to the face; you'll need plenty of charm if you want to secure a second date.

Who hasn't experienced a wine mishap? I've learned my lesson and now steer clear of red wine when I'm out. Instead, I'll opt for a beer (even though it feels strange with a steak dinner, especially when everyone else is sipping wine), or, if I must, I'll take the (often lesser costly) gamble of ordering a glass of rosé. It's difficult to decide what's more embarrassing: getting wine stains on your shirt or awkwardly sipping small amounts with your tongue to avoid lifting the glass towards your mouth (yes, that would be me).

And don't get me started on ice cream or popsicles!

Given that society has failed us time and time again in finding a more revolutionary or simply somewhat modern solution to the existential problem of dripping, I figured out some workarounds:

When I'm going to be drinking beverages, especially wine or other liquids that can stain, I carry my 3-foot retractable straw. Sometimes I wish I had a longer, retractable tongue—being like an elephant with a trunk would be incredibly handy in situations involving linguine pescatore, sautés, or the most formidable foe of all, the infamous bouillabaisse.

I also asked a friend who is a home builder if there might be a way to install a kind of portable gutter under my chin. He laughed (probably at me, as I haven't heard from him since).

My paranoia has even skyrocketed if you can believe it: I'm now drinking coffee with my neck fully extended like a human giraffe, or sometimes tilted to the side. I bring my own large bib to restaurants (it reaches down to my knees). When I know most of the dishes will be prone to spills, I've even started wearing a poncho. Sure, it might look odd, but it protects my clothes, right? (For those wondering, a dollar-store poncho costs around $5 at most).

The idea of switching to a diet without drips crossed my mind, but it seemed like life would then be so...tasteless. After all, what is food without sauces and liquid type of seasoning, heck what would life be without wine? Is a steak the same with a glass of... 7-Up? Would life even be worth living if I stopped drinking coffee abruptly? (the answer is no). Or imagine Thanksgiving turkey but without gravy? Yucky yuck only for a shmuck aka It would taste like an old shoe...not that I've ever tasted any kind of shoe...old or new!)

Come to think about it I might have to cut out of of my absolute favorites: those devilishly drooping pickles too.

So here I am. Stuck in a pickle. Not sure what to do with my life.

But the more I ponder this dilemma, the more I am tempted to say: the heck with it! If pigs (said to be the smartest of animals I must add) can bask in mud and bear no shame, I too should embrace life covered in some occasional drip!