Updated: Jan 12
We have all had, at one point or another, a horrendous customer service experience. Whether it happened at the airport, while checking into a hotel or a resort, or if it involved a simple call to inquire about a billing error, this type of incompetence can really get under your skin. The vast majority of people I ask agree with me: obtaining good customer service has become a luxury, and is sadly not the norm anymore.
On a personal level, the recurring issues I have been experiencing with my internet service/mobile phone provider ended up pushing me over the edge, to the point where I finally decided to turn this around and make a mockery of the company. Rather than just call them, ask to speak to a manager (I'd probably get no sympathy whatsoever), I decided instead to apply for a job there (yes, in Customer service) and so I sent my letter of application to both the HR department and the company President.
I won't provide the name of the company, let's just refer to them as "The Company That Shall Not be Named" (but you can probably figure it out). Here is what I sent :
Dear Sir, Madam, I am writing in response to your job advertisement posted in The Gazette on Friday, December the 8th for the role of Customer Service Representative. Let me start by saying that your company's reputation in terms of service is truly unprecedented. Your brand's image speaks for itself. Your Marvelous Company has truly, over the years, has been offering unparalleled inattention to detail, turning a deaf ear to your customers' needs, like no one else in the industry (or in any other industry for that matter, and I mean EVER....perhaps going as far back as the Stone Age).
I, in fact, have noticed some common traits with your Customer Service team that I believe should be used to inspire other firms that are desperately seeking to become leaders in INCOMPETENCY, and eventually hoping to fall off the face of the earth. The strategy is actually quite brilliant (and I use the term ever so loosely): bring together a bunch of reps who show a complete disregard and make a regular mockery of their clients; you know, a clan of token idiots that cannot even handle the most simple and mundane tasks. Then, install a level of useless and unnecessary bureaucracy, one that would make even the KGB proud. Finally, reward your clients with a waiting time longer than that of the emergency departments in third-world countries' most dysfunctional hospitals. The recipe is again, quite simple and easy to follow: recruit hundreds of illiterate cavemen, place half of these kindergarten graduates in an environment with absolutely no supervision, provide them with little or no training on customer service skills, and keep any knowledge of your corporate procedures and technicalities hidden from them. Hire the other half of these dodo birds from a third-world country with a high illiteracy rate, thereby ensuring they come with absolutely no formal education, and then just hand them a phone and an earpiece, and hope for the best. The best part is you won't have to pay much for these incompetent buffoons as they will just be extremely grateful to have a job that doesn't involve cleaning toilets... Just last week I was astounded to see your full expertise put on display before my very own virgin ears. My wife called your department and I was truly amazed at how much care and attention this group of Dumbos provided to her. She was inquiring about why we were being billed for a phone service that we had discontinued 4 months ago (confirmation numbers in hand). I know, I know, tough question, and we certainly didn't expect your malfunctioning bots to think outside the box, but, still, surely someone in your upper management could have helped her no? A supervisor perhaps. Or wait a minute, do you even have those, or are the inmates already running your asylum?
"Computer glitches" answered the rep who picked up the phone after an astounding 20 minutes of being on hold. "But this is the third time you tell us we won't be billed again and yet we're still getting invoices.." answered my irritated wife. "Uh, m'aam, it says here on my sheet 'if not shue, tell them computo gitch' " answered the rep, in his thick-hard-to-understand accent (ok he could barely speak English but in this woke world I was trying to watch my choice of words). "Ok listen, what do I have to do to cancel the service ...for the fourth time?" answered my now really disgruntled spouse. "Uh, let mee poot u hon hold?" answered the bedouin, likely taking the call from inside his straw hut. "Ok" . Then, 3 minutes later, the rep hung up on my wife, clearly unable to process such a confusing and complicated request. So she called back, told another Mongoose about her issue, and was told to hold again...5 excruciating minutes later, she was told she would be transferred to another department, only to be transferred to the same individual again. "HELLLO" yelled my wife, her face turning green like the Hulk, "Can I speak to a manager PLEASE?" "What is this concerting mum?" "My phone business line which should've been canceled 4 MONTHS AGO and which was confirmed canceled to me several times already but never was!!" "So what's the probelem" asked the confused and perplexed rep, clearly not able to handle all this information "G'dammit, just give me the manager please" she insisted. "Ok then, peace hod on". Exactly 14 minutes later he came back on the line "m'aam, no manager here tonight, can I put u on hold I not sure I understand your request, will transfer you to my col leek". And of course, moments later, in a classic game of hot potato, she was flushed again.... This is but a small excerpt of the never-ending stories people have been telling to friends and families about your admirable firm. And frankly, this is why I am convinced that I would be an ideal candidate for you.
You see, I am proud to say that I hold a grade 4 diploma from a local clown school. I am also an extremely lazy person, and I would absolutely love to work for minimum wage at such an established company, I believe I would fit right in. I would also be more than happy to provide you with some referrals.... from my previous 7 employers (3 in the last 18 months, including a gig as a bathroom attendant). They'd all tell you just how dishonest, deceptive, slow-reading, rude, and obnoxious (I looked it up) an individual I am. My last boss called me a "stubborn mule". Did I also mention that I was voted 'most likely to end up in jail' at my Elementary School graduation (when I was 18)? I truly look forward to hearing back from you in the next 2-3 hours, as I am sure you will not want to pass on this opportunity to hire another certified zero to contribute in a major way to your ever-sinking Customer Service department. And, finally, rest assured, that if hired, I will not only come late to work, insult, belittle and hang up on your clients, but that I will also go on short-term disability leave within the first 3-4 months. So I thank you in advance for reading my application letter (although I was not the one who wrote it.... xoxoxo thanks mum! left you a pack of cigarettes next to your handgun).
nb: Please also find attached my 3-line, 13-word resume (again, thx mum, and I promise to clean up the trailer tonight).
Less Regards, Haim Notworthy