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Folks, meet Clueless Joe

Updated: Sep 17, 2023

You've surely heard of Shoeless Joe. And you obviously know of Sleepy Joe (hey there Mr. President).

But are you familiar with Clueless Joe?

If you haven't met him then let me introduce you to this oblivious individual.

Clueless Joe is the dude you see daily, the one driving in front of you who slows down for no apparent reason, who doesn't know when to merge in lanes, and often hasn't even a clue where he is heading.

Joe (short for Clueless Joe) is the man (or woman) who you see arrive at the front of the fast-food resto line only to stutter and hesitate, seemingly having no idea what he to order. Heck this burger joint could have a menu consisting of 3 items, and Clueless would still take an eternity to place his order.


Now Joe could be educated, perhaps even smart. But he is, simply said ...clueless in every day life...he comes equipped with ZERO peripheral vision (think of a modern-day Mister Magoo), and has no idea what's around him. He is simply living in his own "little world" or bubble, where everything seems like a mirage. Joe has a habit of bumping into you at the mall and grocery store, heck I've even witnessed Joe walking right into a public light pole (and then rub his head and proceed on his nowhere).

Joe will forget why he left the house more often than not. Did his wife send him to run an errand? Was he going to get his car repaired? I'm sorry, but Joe hasn't a clue. Heck, Joe may not even have a real wife!

Everyone knows at least one Joe. You see EVERYONE has had an issue with Joe at one point or another, and we have all had to explain the same thing to Joe, THREE, FOUR, perhaps even a DOZEN times. Why? Because Joe simply does NOT GET IT (again not saying he is intellectually dumb...but....let's just call him "discombobulated" for the purpose of remaining politically correct)

Now you may be wondering how should one DEAL with a Joe (or perhaps I'm the only one with too much time on my hands pondering such "critical" issues)?

Well, for starters, never invite a Joe to your house. Because I guarantee Joe will forget to close the faucet when he uses your washroom and you will quickly find yourself with a flooded house (I've experienced this).

Or, on a good day, Joe may trip down your stairs (you see Joes are pathetically clumsy too), which is not the end of the world of course (although if the stairs are steep enough, perhaps it will be for Joe). But be honest with yourself, do you really want to spend the entire evening at the ER watching over Joe (hell you weren't even that close- he probably just invited himself over). Truth is Joes make very poor guests given they are likely to misunderstand your jokes (or your attempts at making them) by a mile. So really if you think of it, how much entertainment value can one really expect during an evening with a Joe (hint: better off watching reruns of Wheel of Fortune- no Vanna White in this scenario)? So the best advice I can give you is to just save yourself the cup of Joe, and invite no one at all.

And for the life of God, don't you EVER travel anywhere with Joe, because I can guarantee you that Joe WILL FORGET his passport, thereby delaying the flight, perhaps even have it cancelled in the end.

Here's one final tip (speaking of tips, Joes often forgets to tip and you will end up being on the one on the hook) do NOT, under any circumstance, agree to go see a movie with Joe, unless of course you want to spend the entire time explaining the twists and turns of the story to your Clueless companion (trust me you will end up walking out of the movie- by yourself if Joe doesn't notice you leaving).

So, my dearest padawans, here's to hoping I have persuaded you to avoid these life-sucking, Clueless Joes, like the god-damn plague....

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