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RIP, Mister Potato Head.

Updated: Mar 20, 2022

IT had to be done. Putting the kibosh on the potato. Mister Potato Head was simply becoming too big for his own good. Truthfully, he had always been considered a hothead, and friends of his, tired of his antics, had begun playing hot potato with him. And so, few complained when one day, the Cancel Police barged into his home, found him tight asleep in his potato sack, and did what they had to do: they canceled him. Was it warranted? Who knows, I say poe-ta-toe but you may say poe-tay-toe. Either way, it's all the same right?

Then there was that sneaky Frenchman Pepé Le Pew, oh what a smelly fellow he was. His stench was simply unbearable. He, of course, reflected poorly on the 60+ million inhabitants of France. I mean what if people began to think of this country as a walking, breathing open garbage dump, a smelly place (mind you dog poo is quite prevalent in Paris)? Would it hurt tourism? Would the French economy subsequently crumble to ashes? Surely one, hideous, weasel-type individual could not be allowed to bring about such misery. And so it wasn't enough to just neuter the skunk, they had to exterminate him.

But the Cancel Police didn't stop there. They spared no one. They even went after a long-time favorite. One with few, if any vices, and whose reputation was nearly immaculate for many decades: yes, our very own little Miss Innocent, Snow White!

Now, folks, we're not talking about canceling characters like Herbert the Pervert (see Family Guy) or the foul-mouthed clown from the Simpsons (hey I wouldn't cancel either, particularly since they are meant for adult audiences!) we are talking about Snow f'n White. Why on earth would these far-left buffoons cancel the purest of the pure? Did the use of the term "dwarfs", rather, than say, "height-challenged", tickle their pickle? Were they made aware of any "hanky panky" that took place between Snow and Sleazy, the lesser-known dwarf? Nope. It was none of that (though I do believe Snow White did have a fling or two with one of her little friends).

It turns out the idea of the prince kissing a non-consenting woman (poor Snow was in a coma at the time) is too repugnant a thought to some (hey she was madly in love with the Prince and longed for him to kiss her...ahh forget it, I give up!).

And so because of this little "bisou", Snow and her little gerbil-men were handed out the ultimate punishment of censorship.

So who will the Far-Wokes go after next? Aladdin? Because you know, a kid watching the movie could end up developing a preconceived notion that all Persians spend their days flying around on magic carpets, or worse, that they all have monkeys named Babu as companions.

Perhaps we should also take out old Humpty Dumpty. You know, gangsta style. Cancel the egg-shaped klutz altogether. Because, again, who knows, perhaps bald/balding people might find the character offensive. Or even clumsy people, prone to falling from a multitude of places, like say my father who once fell off our roof (your guess is as good as mine as to what he was doing on there).

Or what about Dumbo. Now if that isn't a story of prejudice versus people with big ears then I don't know what is. Absolutely repulsive. To be removed immediately (or you could just cover those giant ears with a big wig).

I'm thinking perhaps Winnie the Pooh could vex those with issues of incontinence. Alice in Wonderland could be seen as a slight on blondes. Pinocchio could be hurtful to those with a big hose, pardon me, nose.

Honestly, who would have thought that one day we'd have to break up with our favorite iconic childhood characters simply because a minority of people would deem them to be....racist, bigoted, or politically incorrect. Apparently these books, stories, cartoons portray people in ways that are simply wrong in our time. Or perhaps it's just time for those overly sensitive people to simply see these characters for what they are, and put them in the right context, instead of overanalyzing everything. But, if all else fails, and they should still have a beef with it (vegans please don't take offense), they can simply retreat to their safe spaces. Till then, can you just leave our resident Potato friends alone?

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