Updated: Nov 3
Like many people I know, I hate flying.
I know i KNOW, what's not to like about stale air, having people coughing in your face, babies screaming in your ears (oh and those delectable diaper changes), not to mention all the nauseousness caused by an airplane swaying, due to "unforeseen and unexpected weather events" (even when there doesn't appear to be a cloud in the sky- seriously, are the pilots doing this just to fuck with us??!).
You think airports and being on flights was painful before the pandemic, how about today where no one trusts the fuckin airlines and you therefore have fewer and fewer people checking in their luggage! And so you now have hundreds of suitcases being brought on board, only to get stuffed, shoved, twisted, heck probably flattened, in order to somehow fit them into those measly compartments.
Endless, torturous, waiting behind these miserable people who take forever to move down the aisle. But like this interminable ordeal wasn't enough, you have so many folks who also need to take something out right before raising the luggage over into the overhead bin. God forbid that on a 48 minute flight, you wouldn't have your laptop, earphones (I assume the plan is to watch the 3-hour movie in fast forward mode, high pitched voice and all), u-shaped travel pillow, blanket, dildo, Iphone and Ipad right next to you!!
Endless opening of zippers, taking stuff out, putting it on the chair, while the rest of us barehanded soles, stand there and wait in disbelief. That's right keep on taking your sweet, little time. And finally right when we think you're finally going to sit, you take an extra few seconds to adjust yourself, make sure your vital 54 belongings are all placed within range, before doing a downward twist towards the petrified seat, while we fuckin wait, hunched over like fuckin pathetic hunchbacks!
Forget the airport, there should be a waiting lounge once you get on the airplane!
But unfortunately, the pièce de résistance is yet to come. I finally get to sit down in my little sardine box, only to see a gigantic individual heading over to my row. (where else right?). He sits right in the middle seat, forcing me to lean over towards the aisle like the Tower of fuckin Pisa. Meanwhile, someone is still trying to squeeze their suitcase in the compartment above my sorry head, and I know full well there's a greater than 50 / 50 chance something will fall out of the carry-on and hit my head, or heck, if it so happens to be my lucky day, perhaps the entire suitcase will drop and knock me right out (a blessing really, given my intent was to sleep through the entire flight).
And then, many minutes later, hallelujaaaaah Lord! The flight is finally ready to take off.
Sadly, just when I'm ready to wave the white flag, it would appear that the fun is just beginning. As MY body is protruding over to the right into the aisle (the 300 pound dude is by now sleeping on my shoulder further pushing me onto the corridor of death), the hostesses` begin walking by and carelessly banging my sorry head with their buttocks (if you have yet to experience this, rest assured, in a few minutes it`ll be their food carts bumping into you, you see the butts are essentially initially deployed to soften you up for the real pain). At this point all I can wish for is magically turning into a human ostrich with a neck flexible enough that it could be twisted right between my two legs, hiding till the end of the carnage (and to think I actually had to pay hundreds of dollar for this wonderful experience- tongue firmly implanted in cheek)....
Imagine finally enduring this one hour marathon of hell, and seeing the plane finally land but knowing full well that the amazing race is just to begin. Oh yes, the competition to see who can click open their seat belts first...do these fools realize this is not Black Friday? When the doors open you aren't going to be able to stampede out like a herd of buffalo...you do get this right? There are NO DEALS TO BE HAD ON THIS DAY! Simply put bruh, you aren't saving time jumping out of your seat like a kangaroo SO SIT THE FUCK DOWN...
We finally get off the plane, and now guess what kids, it's time to head over to the lovely airport carrousel...in the (unlikely) hope of finding my luggage. On and on and on all the exhausted passengers stand there and wait. 35 minutes later, some items finally start coming out. And of course, as we know, it's all the Godamn weird shit that always comes out first: a ukulele, a trumpet, what looks like a couple of f'n rabbits, some sort of a freakn bathtub, a large sized hat, you name it, it'll all come out before your suitcase. What the fuck is this the fuckn' circus on wheels?!! It's almost like they want to fuck with you just a little bit more, to set you over the edge. And then, 3 maybe 4 suitcases finally come out, and those go round and round and round while 99% of people are still waiting for their luggage (guy with the tricycle though is already halfway home CAUSE ALL THE FUCKN WEIRD STUFF ARRIVES WAY BEFORE THE NORMAL STUFF REMEMBER!)
I finally spot my luggage, and begin walking towards it only to have a woman (looked like a 1960s hippie) go and pick it up. "Sorry that's my suitcase..". I mutter. "Oh it looks like...". I nearly grab it from her, as my patience has more than worn thin. As I start walking over to the taxi line I notice this woman walking behind me with her suitcase. It was purple, with pink flamingos on it and something that looked like green, tropical bushes. I nearly run into a person in a wheelchair as I start cursing myself. How in heaven's name could Janis Joplin have confused my black suitcase that had two large red tags on it (one of a Canadian flag, another of my favorite hockey player) with hers?!! Surely I must be part of some experiment, a sequel to the Truman show perhaps (with me as the main character)? I look around to see if there's a camera somewhere broadcasting me to the masses (I know, I know I'm at an airport...)
Yes my friends, this was just a typical airport/flight experience for me (and surely you too) these past few months. Makes me seriously consider walking or even hitchhiking on my next trip....